No More Hangovers! Living Life in Full Color

One of my first really bad hangovers was in high school. I must have been 17.

I don’t even remember what I did the night before.

Weekend partying in high school usually involved siphoning off someone’s parents alcohol. We would then dump it into our Jack in the Box cups filled with Tab or Coke. Sometimes we were able to get an older sibling or friend (thanks Joe!) to buy us beer.

Through word of mouth (and rotary phones), we found out whose parents were going to be out of town that weekend and there we went. Other times, we met at the beach, a park or local camp grounds.

It was a Saturday and I lay comatose on my waterbed, well past what my mom considered a proper time to get up on the weekend.

She was busy at work that morning sewing my gown for Senior Prom and was annoyed that I was still lounging in my room.

Hangovers, Mom and Prom

My mom made most of my Prom and Winter Ball gowns throughout high school. (Yes, she is the greatest:)

If she was too busy, she would make an exception and help me buy one from Charlotte Russe or The Broadway, contributing to my Taco Bell earnings of $3.50/hour to make the big purchase.

The gown she was sewing was a slinky, floor length number with a plunging neckline and made from a teal blue polyester silk, probably cut from a Butterick or Vogue pattern.

She needed me to try it on to see what adjustments had to be made.

Mom kept her well used Singer sewing machine in our home “office” – a small room next to my parent’s bedroom. Down a long hallway at the opposite end of the house from my bedroom.

After her third yell, I managed to hoist my miserable self up and off of my sloshing mattress.

I shuffled down the hall in my Foreigner t-shirt and JC Penney underwear and attempted to stand still next to the Singer.

Stripping my shirt off, mom slipped the dress over my head. My stomach roiled and my head pounded.

She had a mouth full of sewing pins and was standing close to me, pulling, gathering and pinning my dress at the bustline.

“You smell like your father.” she said, pointedly, looking at me.

I sucked in my breath, realizing I must reek.

“Geez Mom” I said looking down, a feeling of shame washing over me.

“Like beer.” she continued.

I stood there silent, mortified, unsure how to respond. There was no question after all. Just an observation and one that I was certainly not proud of.

My mom knew I was drinking and she didn’t like it.

She finished the dress alterations with neither one of us saying another word. Nothing more was said about her comment that day, but I never forgot it.

Good Girls Have Hangovers Too

I had always prided myself on being a good girl. Straight A’s, honor roll and National Honor Society were a part of my academic plan every semester. I was the leader of my high school drill team for the second year in a row.

My parents, teachers, coaches and counselors respected me, and I them.

Family activities with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins were important to me and I made sure to attend them. We went to church on Sundays.

My Dad worked long hours as a football coach and my mom worked as a substitute English teacher. So I helped at home where I could. Making dinner for the family and occasional trips to the grocery store.

I babysat for my neighbor’s kids and my toddler nephew every chance I could. $1 an hour from the neighbors and Miller Lite, Schlitz or Pabst Blue Ribbon (whatever was cheapest!) from my sister and brother-in-law.

I knew partying on the weekends with my friends did not fit in with this pretty picture of perfection.

But I liked drinking.

It relaxed me and made me feel like I belonged. I was 17 and still didn’t know where I fit.

What I remember on that day, is that I most definitely believed I was not a good girl.

I had disappointed my mom and the pain of that stung.

Pandemic Drinking = Endless Hangover Hamster Wheel

Cut to 42 years of “social drinking” practice later. We are in the middle of a pandemic and I am having more hangovers than ever.

They are still guilt-ridden and no fun, and now I am in a 58 year old body, so I really feel the pain.

In spring of 2020, I had slowly begun to increase my previously “normal” (accepted by society) level of daily drinking.

More wine became my way to numb the stress of living in a world in panic mode.

Being stuck at home meant happy hour could start anytime. Finishing a bottle of pinot grigio was no problem. And often we had cocktails before the wine was even opened!

On the surface, everything appeared normal. I was still the same high functioning mom – running 5 miles every morning, working and getting my stuff done. Entertaining friends and family, traveling with my husband and caring for our home.

But on the inside I was suffering.

There were so many mornings I woke up feeling like crap and disgusted with myself. It appears I was not alone.

I became adept at adjusting my life to accommodate regular hangovers. I’m not a morning person I told myself. Hmm…

The Pandemic is Easing – So Why Am I Still Hungover All The Time?

In early 2021, our life was starting to show signs of getting back to normal.

Vaccines were helping to drastically reduce Covid cases and people weren’t getting as sick, even if they did get the virus. The threat seemed to be a more manageable one now.

Our six kids were regaining their footing in school, in their jobs and in their living situations.

My fiancé and I were finally able to have a small backyard wedding in April of 2021. It was just beautiful and we were so happy. Our chaotic life at home was calming down.

I felt so lucky that our family had made it through the worst of this difficult time with not too much collateral damage.

My “Habit” Turns A Corner

So why was I still drinking too much?

Some days I would say to myself that I am only going to have one or two glasses of wine tonight – no more. I want to feel good tomorrow.

But inevitably, after one or two, that resolution went right out the window. I’ll skip wine tomorrow I would think, as the pale yellow gold went glug, glug glug into my glass.

Tomorrow would come, and there I was feeling like shit in the morning, yet again.

I was sick of it!

Why do I keep doing this? What is wrong with me?

My negative self talk took on a life of its own.

(You would run for the hills if you ever heard the voice in my head talking to you. She can be one mean bitch!)

Maybe there was more collateral damage than I realized. 

No More Hangovers – I Quit

After a long summer spent partying with family and friends, on September 7, 2021, I woke up that day and decided I was going to take a 30 day break from alcohol.

I wasn’t sure if I could do it.

I started by reading everything I could about the science of alcohol – its effects on our bodies and why it is so hard to stop using it.

Alcohol is the most commonly used addictive substance in America today!

These three books helped me immensely in the beginning: This Naked Mind, Quit Like A Woman and Alcohol Explained.

I also listened to tons of recovery or “sober life” podcasts. One of my very favorites is called Over The Influence. Check out this episode with Clare Pooley, author of The Sober Diaries. I found her story so inspiring and full of information about the early days of going alcohol free.

The first few weeks with no wine was tough, I’m not gonna lie. My body struggled to make the adjustment and I was a grumpy mess.

But the overwhelming, fantastic and brilliant feeling of waking up without a hangover was astounding. It was like the world had gone from black and white to full color and I could not get enough of it.

And even though I was fearful of the unknowns I was facing on the journey ahead, I knew I never wanted to go back to living the other way again.

Today I have just over one year, no booze. Yep, I did it.

I Am Free.

My story is being shared here in the hopes that it can help anyone else that may be struggling in their relationship with alcohol.

It doesn’t matter how much your are drinking. Only you know if it’s too much for you.

You don’t have to wait until it gets worse or you hit a rock bottom to decide to change. Drinking worked for me for years until one day it didn’t.

You can read my blog, Mom’s Alcohol Free Second Half for more articles about what it’s like to go alcohol free after years of being a regular drinker.

You give up ONE thing and get SO MUCH back!!

xoxo,

Tammy