Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a term to describe a pattern of alcohol use that spans from mild to moderate to severe. Some refer to the severe end of the spectrum as alcoholism.
Alcohol use may begin in the teens. Alcohol use disorder occurs more frequently in the 20’s and 30’s, though it can start at any age.
Alcohol use disorder can involve any of the following:
Anyone who needs more drinks now than they did in the past to get the same effect.
Anyone who has a problem controlling the amount they drink.
Anyone who is continually preoccupied with alcohol and spends a lot of time drinking, getting alcohol or recovering from alcohol.
Anyone who experiences physical, social, work or relationship problems in their life related to their drinking but continues to drink.
Anyone who fails to fulfill, reduces or ignores their obligations at home, school or work due to alcohol use.
Anyone who has withdrawal symptoms when rapidly decreasing or stopping drinking.
AM I ON THE ALCOHOL USE DISORDER SPECTRUM?
Looking back on your drinking history, have you seen an increase in your alcohol consumption from the time you had your very first drink to now? (For example, if in the past you only had 1 or 2 drinks on your evenings out, do you now need to drink 3 or 4 to get the same effect?)
Or maybe you only drank on weekends for years but now you are a daily imbiber?
(Me: yes and yes.)
Do you ever go out with friends and say to yourself “I’m only having one or two drinks tonight,” but change your mind after the first glass and end up having many more than you wanted to?
Have you tried to cut down (or moderate) your consumption on multiple occasions and been unsuccessful?
(Me: yes and yes.)
Are you someone who is thinking about alcohol even when you are not drinking it?
In other words, are you planning your life around the events and occasions that have alcohol available and if they don’t, making sure there is alcohol before or after?
(Me: yes and yes.)
HAS ALCOHOL AFFECTED YOUR JUDGMENT?
Have you ever had a fight with your partner over something that seems silly or unimportant the next day?
Did you ever get in trouble at work or at school for taking too many sick days or not showing up due to terrible hangovers?
Have you ever gotten angry and chastised your new husband (in a very rude way) in front of your kids, for trying to destroy you in a game of dominoes?
(Me: yes, no and yes – ugh.)
Have you ever been in a car accident, gotten injured or gone to the ER due to your drinking?
(Me: no car accident, yes minor injury – cooking, wine and Cutco knives are a dangerous mix, yes ER visit – dislocated shoulder playing drunken football in the hallway of a fraternity house – 1985.)
Do you experience withdrawal symptoms such as nausea, insomnia and sweating when you don’t drink?
Do you drink to avoid these symptoms?
(Me: yes and yes, but only on vacation where drinking at 11am by the pool is acceptable.)
If you said yes to any one of these, you are on the spectrum of alcohol use disorder.
Well, shit.
HOVERING SOMEWHERE ON THE SPECTRUM OF ALCOHOL USE DISORDER
One summer day as the pandemic was easing in 2021, I was on a run trying to push away the hangover – nausea, shakiness and headache – that I woke up with that morning.
It wasn’t working. I was on a cool down, approaching my house and still feeling like crap.
Looking up at the sky I remember thinking if I could only get out of my body. I know this doesn’t make sense and of course I knew I couldn’t do this.
These were not suicidal thoughts. I knew I couldn’t get out of my own miserable body. But damn I wanted to. I needed to.
I didn’t know how I was going to do it. But I knew I needed to do something.
My wine drinking was at a personal all time high at that point – one bottle a day most days, plus cocktails on “special” days – yay!
But to my family and friends I’m sure everything appeared normal. I was still “high functioning”, running five miles a day, eating well and taking care of business.
I was the only one who knew how bad I really felt every morning. In fact, my life was going great in most other areas, which was another frustration for me.
My fiancé and I had finally been able to be married that spring (open bar at the wedding of course!). And we were both so happy to have found one another later in life.
SO WHY DID I STILL DRINK TOO MUCH?
I kept thinking everything is good in our lives right now, so why do I keep drinking too much? I just couldn’t understand it.
For years, my social drinking habit had been mostly fun and games.
I have so many great memories from family vacations, BBQs, football games, birthdays, bachelorette parties, concerts, weddings, graduations, Christmas dinners, Easter egg hunts and even funerals.
I mean alcohol is involved with everything these days. They even have free beer for us after running a half marathon now!
(Great news here – Sponsor of this year’s San Diego Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon 2022 was Heineken 0.0!)
I admit though, I may have had an issue associated with too much drinking on my part now and then. (A terrible hangover that ruined the second half of my vacation with family and friends in Las Vegas when I was 40 comes to mind.)
But I always believed the positives of drinking far outweighed the negatives. I thought it was normal to have problems like this.
In fact, we all laughed together often, sharing the stories of our drunken escapades.
AFTER MORE THAN A YEAR OF PANDEMIC LEVEL DRINKING, SOMETHING IN ME CHANGED
In late 2021, after a year and a half of drinking more than usual to numb the feels of a scary, worldwide pandemic, things in my life seemed to shift.
A slow and steady list of signs, that only I noticed, was growing in my mind. Things that started to trouble me. Things I couldn’t keep ignoring.
It seemed the enjoyment I got from a few glasses of wine was short-lived now. And the repercussions I felt were even worse the next day.
I was grumpy, short-tempered and tired ALL THE TIME.
I have always been a big smiler and a happy-go-lucky person.
Where had that woman gone? I was someone who ate healthy and exercised regularly.
So why did I continue to abuse my body with too much wine? Why? I had the distinct sense that I was heading in a very bad direction.
The Mayo Clinic says that “genetic, psychological, social and environmental factors can impact how drinking alcohol affects your body and behavior.
Some theories suggest that for certain people drinking has a different and stronger impact that can lead to alcohol use disorder.”
Researchers have not come up with a definitive answer as to why some people move from mild alcohol use disorder to moderate or severe abuse more quickly than others.
Some drinkers may go their whole life staying at a low to moderate level, never getting to the severe point of alcohol use disorder.
Although this certainly does not mean these people have been free of problems related to their alcohol use over the years.
TRAUMA MAY ACCELERATE ALCOHOL USE DISORDER
So I guess I’ve been at the mild end of alcohol use disorder for years.
Throw in raising three daughters who would become teenagers – chug, who would then go off to college – double chug, a difficult divorce – even bigger chugs, and a worldwide pandemic – go big or go home chugs!
Excuses, excuses, I know. But trauma in my world nevertheless.
Over time, drinking too much alcohol changes the normal function of your brain.
This can affect your experience of pleasure and joy, your judgment and your ability to exercise control over your own behavior.
In other words, too much alcohol over time can make you SAD, ANXIOUS, STRESSED, INDECISIVE, INDISCREET, UNDISCIPLINED, IMPATIENT, ANGRY, DISRUPTIVE, APATHETIC, VIOLENT, HYSTERICAL, CRANKY, INCONTINENT, REPETITIVE, NAUGHTY, STUPID AND YES, BORING!
PASS THE WINE WHILE I AGONIZE OVER HAVING TO SAY GOODBYE TO MY FRIEND PINOT GRIGIO
I wondered if I would continue further along on the alcohol use disorder spectrum as I aged. Would I slowly increase my nightly wine o’clock happy hours even more over time?
UGH what a terrible thought.
Even if I stayed at a moderate level of two glasses per day – what the CDC would call “heavy drinking” for a woman, which is 7, elf-sized glasses per week lol – I felt like crap on so many mornings. Exhausted and stressed.
What was I doing to my body? Where would I be in 5 years? 10 years? How would I feel?
How long could my body – who had been a very reliable and hardworking bag of bones for me so far – withstand this continual abuse?
I was 58 years old – not a college kid anymore – sheesh!
The more I thought about it the more I realized that no one else was going to come in and rescue me from this situation.
There was no one, big thing – no rock bottom – for anyone to see. (Even my husband, sober for 11 years, told me he did not think I had a problem.)
But it was a problem for me. And I knew I did not want to keep living this way.
I also knew that the only person who was going to help me get out of this mess – this body – was me.
LEARNING ABOUT ALL THE SCARY STUFF ALCOHOL DOES TO OUR BODIES
While running, walking, housecleaning and driving, I listened to hundreds of hours of recovery, alcohol free and sober life podcasts.
Over The Influence, Recovery Elevator, Sober Awkward, This Naked Mind, To 50 & Beyond, The Bubble Hour and Recovery Happy Hour are a few of them.
I read everything I could about alcohol use disorder and the affect alcohol has on health and the human body. Filling my brain everyday with new information about booze and the debilitating affect it has on people and entire societies around the world.
I started with these three, but there are many more: This Naked Mind, Quit Like A Woman and Alcohol Explained.
I gobbled up all the Quit Lit books I had heard about but avoided in the past because I didn’t want to face my fear that I might have to break up with alcohol.
Some of my favorites are The Sober Diaries, The Unexpected Joys of Being Sober, Drinking – A Love Story and Blackout – Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget and The Sober Lush.
At last, I made a decision that would change my life.
I decided to go alcohol free for 30 days on September 7, 2021. I hadn’t gone a single day without alcohol since I had Covid back in November 2020. Because back then I thought – WHY?
I FELT SO GOOD AFTER THE FIRST MONTH THAT I WANTED TO KEEP GOING
Read here for more details of my alcohol free story and the 25 benefits I found after removing alcohol from my life.
I will say that one of my very favorite things I discovered after going alcohol free, was having the veil of anxiety, stress and guilt finally lifted from me.
Although, I expected to feel better and brighter sooner than I actually did and I was a bit worried at first.
HAD I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION?
It can take awhile to feel like your old self again. Alcohol is a highly addictive toxin that has taken over your brain. And most of your other organs too!
And your body, being the miracle that it is, has adapted in a million ways to try and keep you alive while you continue to guzzle this toxic poison.
So this reset can take time. Everyone recovers differently.
Some talk about experiencing a “pink cloud” effect after quitting alcohol. I would describe the pink cloud effect as a lovely feeling of peace, happiness and well being that washes over you, usually at the most random times.
It took several months for me to experience any kind of pink cloud. There were a lot of gray and difficult days.
I missed my friend alcohol and I slept a lot.
But soon I began to see the world again in full technicolor and my happy-go-lucky self started making a comeback.
ONE YEAR ALCOHOL FREE AND STILL GOING
As I now enter my second year alcohol free, I consider myself to be a work in progress. I am steadily reclaiming my mind, body and spirit.
Still growing and learning to adapt to what is a really a whole new way of living for me as an adult.
I am still not sure of a lot of things. I don’t know what the future holds.
I don’t know how much harm I’ve done to myself but I know I can’t think about that. I need to keep moving forward and do the things I can to repair the damage. I want to do and experience so many things.
And I want to remember them.
Most days I feel like a new human. Clean and fresh and excited for each new day. This is an indescribably wonderful thing.
I am also relieved to discover that I no longer want out of my body – this loyal and beat up bag of flesh and skin and muscle and bones.
She’s battered but still smiling. And she’s all mine.
SHARING MY STORY SO OTHERS KNOW THEY ARE NOT ALONE
I am sharing my story here in the hopes that by talking openly about my problem, I might help someone else that is struggling with their own alcohol use.
It doesn’t matter how much you are drinking. Only you know if it’s too much for you.
You don’t have to wait until you have alcohol use disorder or for your drinking habit to get worse to decide to change.
Alcohol worked for me for years until it didn’t.
Writing about my story is also part of my own healing. Having someone actually read it is a bonus.
We all know that society doesn’t treat people addicted to alcohol very nicely. There’s a lot of shame wrapped around the topic. I’m not sure why. It is an addictive chemical!
Anyway, I want you to know that when you give up this ONE thing, you get SO MUCH MORE back! It is so worth it.
If you are interested, you can read some of my previous posts for more of details of my AF journey this past year: No More Hangovers, My “Secret” to A Better Night’s Sleep and How Can You Go To Italy And Not Drink?
Wishing you all good things.
xoxo, Tammy